Adwatch - No 58
Some commercials are baffling. Some commercials are intensely irritating. To devise one that is both is quite an achievement by the people who live on Planet Creative.
I refer to the Coca Cola™ commercial that features a very short, stout, bald man who swigs from a bottle of Coke on a street corner and then starts not only smiling at strangers but putting his arm round them and hanging off escalators to gurn at them.
In short - and he is exceedingly short with a very large bum - he behaves like a Happy Drunk who has just had six pints of lager and a couple of Bacardi Breezers.
There's only one thing worse than a Happy Drunk and that's a Violent Drunk but I don't wish to be pestered by either when I'm quietly going about my lawful business on the city streets.
But wait. This unpreposessing little barm cake has been drinking nothing stronger than Coke. So what are they putting in the stuff these days? Ecstasy?
The first time I saw it I thought it was a Government commercial about Care in the Community, the message being that most people with mental health problems are perfectly harmless and that if they lunge at you on an escalator you should just smile back.
Then I realised that this commercial is the latest bastard offspring of 'I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I want to buy the world a Coke and keep it company'.
Bear with me. I've just been sick over my keyboard.
Was that song Coke or was it Pepsi?
Coke, schcoke; Pepsi, schpepsi: they're both gut-rotting, tooth-decaying bilge water.
Yes, that song was Coke. I've just checked*. They could make it the new national anthem for the free and democratic republic of Iraq. The Sunni would lie down with the Shia before you could say 'It's the Real Thing'.
Better still, they could send that little bald fellow on to the streets of Basra. With any luck someone would rip his grinning head off.
*When I checked the song on Google I found it featured in a Christmas sermon on a Methodist website, a site that had the audacity to blast hymns through my computer's speakers.
Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick again.