Tuesday, August 02, 2005

My Big Secret Wedding

I didn't post anything yesterday. I was too disturbed by an email I received from the Wedding Channel. It seems that, using the name 'David', I have married a woman called 'Beth'. The Wedding Channel hope our wedding was everything we dreamed it would be and wish us great joy in our lives together.

It's terribly kind of them, of course. But I have no recollection of marrying this Beth woman.
Am I suffering from a rare disorder which means I have a secondary personality of which I was hitherto unaware?
Or did someone slip one of those 'date rape' drugs into my morning coffee and whisk me off to the Registry Office?

Other troubling questions kept me awake last night.
Why had I used the name 'David' and not something more exotic like 'Tarquin'?
What kind of hat did my sister wear?
Is 'Beth' this woman's real name? Or is she an illegal immigrant or one of the Daily Mail's 'bogus asylum seekers' who saw me reading The Guardian and thought I'd be a soft touch for giving her a new identity?
Have I told the Inland Revenue about my new circumstances?
Is Beth aware that there are unlikely to be any little Beths and Davids, unless our wedding gifts included a turkey baster?
Did my gay friends stand outside shouting 'Turncoat!' and 'This is so not a good lifestyle choice!'
Does Beth understand that my shirt collars have to be unbuttoned before ironing and the backs have to be ironed first? And that the dishes have to be thoroughly rinsed after washing in very hot water? And that my Assam tea has to be brewed for precisely four minutes using a timer and then stirred three times before pouring?
Did we go on honeymoon or did we just have a romantic evening at home with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and sing Sondheim songs to each other:
Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?.......
........And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.

I might email these questions to the good people at the Wedding Channel who probably also have a list of our wedding presents.
They tell me their website has advice on writing thank you notes. But as a regular blogger I think I can manage a few thank you notes so long as I remember to sign them 'David'.
Oh My God! Do you think I might have another blog somewhere that records in mind-numbing detail the daily trivia of David and Beth's life together and has a readership of two?

Anyway, if I don't post for a while it's because I'm defragmenting.
My personality.


At 9:26 AM, Blogger Wyndham said...

How fascinating. One of my favourite films is The Man Who Haunted Himself. Roger Moore's finest moment. Which is not saying much, admittedly.

Everywhere Roger goes he discovers he had been there five minutes before, leaving chaos behind, of course. Maybe there's another married Willie out there, maybe you're actually the bogus Willie. Maybe you don't know it. Interesting existential problem.

At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Kalista said...

Is there ever any need to sing Sondheim songs Willy? Perhaps you just have a double called David who married a woman called Beth? I doubt very much he reads The Guardian or rinses the dishes.

At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Alan said...

Ah but Willie, if you had got married, would you regret it?

You'd always be sorry
You'd always be grateful
You'd always be wondering
What might have been
Then she'd walk in
And still you'd be sorry
And still you'd be grateful
And still you'd wonder
And still you'd doubt
And she'd go out
Everything would be different
Nothing would have changed
Only maybe slightly rearranged
You'd be sorry, grateful, regretful, happy
Why look for answers where none occur?
You'd always be what you always were
Which has nothing to do with, all to do with her!


At 9:57 AM, Blogger Lost said...

maybe you have a hunt around and see if you can find any of your wedding photos hehehe

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Wyndham said...

Actually, Willie, I think I'm going to use that phrase as an excuse for any bad behaviour in the future: "Don't mind me, I'm just defragmenting mty personality."

At 3:09 PM, Blogger Geoff said...

It looks like the bride in the picture is wearing a mask. She's definitely got something to hide.

At 3:34 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

wyndham: 'bogus Willie' sounds worryingly like a strap-on.
The existential problem is even worse because, of course, I'm not really 'Willie' but ****. Not sure I can cope with being David as well.

kalista: If, unlike me, you can sing, there's every need to sing Sondheim songs. If not, you should listen to them regularly and marvel at his genius.

alan, sounds like you're a paid-up member. Thanks very much for that. Sondheim has written quite a few songs about marriage so I was spoilt for choice. As a stagehand I learned a version of Send In The Clowns too crude to even quote here. It has quite spoilt that song for me because I always find myself singing the obscene lyrics.

lost, photos can be faked. It's if I find a slice of that cake I'll be worried.

geoff, she probably wore a mask on the wedding night too. I'm sure I did.

At 11:12 PM, Blogger portuguesa nova said...

ha!!!! Why hasn't Tarquin taken off over here?


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