My Big Secret Wedding
I didn't post anything yesterday. I was too disturbed by an email I received from the Wedding Channel. It seems that, using the name 'David', I have married a woman called 'Beth'. The Wedding Channel hope our wedding was everything we dreamed it would be and wish us great joy in our lives together.
It's terribly kind of them, of course. But I have no recollection of marrying this Beth woman.
Am I suffering from a rare disorder which means I have a secondary personality of which I was hitherto unaware?
Or did someone slip one of those 'date rape' drugs into my morning coffee and whisk me off to the Registry Office?
Other troubling questions kept me awake last night.
Why had I used the name 'David' and not something more exotic like 'Tarquin'?
What kind of hat did my sister wear?
Is 'Beth' this woman's real name? Or is she an illegal immigrant or one of the Daily Mail's 'bogus asylum seekers' who saw me reading The Guardian and thought I'd be a soft touch for giving her a new identity?
Have I told the Inland Revenue about my new circumstances?
Is Beth aware that there are unlikely to be any little Beths and Davids, unless our wedding gifts included a turkey baster?
Did my gay friends stand outside shouting 'Turncoat!' and 'This is so not a good lifestyle choice!'
Does Beth understand that my shirt collars have to be unbuttoned before ironing and the backs have to be ironed first? And that the dishes have to be thoroughly rinsed after washing in very hot water? And that my Assam tea has to be brewed for precisely four minutes using a timer and then stirred three times before pouring?
Did we go on honeymoon or did we just have a romantic evening at home with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and sing Sondheim songs to each other:
Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?.......
........And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
I might email these questions to the good people at the Wedding Channel who probably also have a list of our wedding presents.
They tell me their website has advice on writing thank you notes. But as a regular blogger I think I can manage a few thank you notes so long as I remember to sign them 'David'.
Oh My God! Do you think I might have another blog somewhere that records in mind-numbing detail the daily trivia of David and Beth's life together and has a readership of two?
Anyway, if I don't post for a while it's because I'm defragmenting.