Thursday, June 16, 2005

Thursday's Trivia

For those who share my antipathy to Bill Oddie (and I know there's at least one) I am compelled to issue an urgent Oddie Red Alert.
There's a total of 4 hours 20 minutes of the little bugger on BBC2 today.
Surely this must be a breach of at least one of OFCOM's broadcasting codes?


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I still can't believe this is true but apparently the BBC is getting Graham Norton, who they paid squillions of pounds to defect from Channel 4, to read out viewers' letters on Points of View in the wasteland of Sunday afternoons.
So let's get this right. You spend millions of licence payers' money to poach an outrageous, gay, late-night TV performer who says f**k and c***t and discusses vibrators with cabinet ministers, you leave him twiddling his thumbs for months, then give him a crap dance competition at Saturday teatime and then, in a masterstoke of matching performer to programme, you get him to read letters from the Home Counties green ink brigade.
What do you need to be a BBC executive? Shit for brains, as they say in my village.
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Another gem from St Bob's gob was his appeal to owners of flat-bed trucks to drive up the M1 and pick up dozens of G8 protestors.
This was a novel re-working of a phrase Bob often used in his younger days: 'I suppose a truck's out of the question?'
It is of course highly dangerous and illegal to ride up the motorway on the back of a flat-bed truck.
Or to travel in any vehicle, other than a coach, without a seat belt.
I once travelled in the back of a van and the girl driving made me lie flat on the floor to prevent any passing police seeing me.
I hasten to add that we weren't engaged in any criminal activity. She was just giving me a lift and her girlfiend, although dressed like a commando, refused to give me the passenger seat and lie in the back in case it made her combat trousers dirty. Which proves you can take the heterosexual out of the woman but you can't take the woman out of the lesbian.
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Like most things, 'being broke' is a relative concept. Never more so than when applied to Michael Jackson.
If you're sitting on several hundred acres of Californian real estate, co-own the Beatles back catalogue and have a steady income from record sales and royalties from the songs you wrote yourself, I wouldn't fancy your chances on getting Income Support.
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At a recent press conference, Blair was asked about some comments by Peter Mandelson. "I haven't read Peter's speech so I can't comment on that" he said.
This is one of those evasion tactics that so pisses people off with politicians. It leads to this kind of thing:

John Humphreys: Prime Minister, the former Minister Ronald Runt said in a speech that you wouldn't recognise the truth if it was served to you at the River Café with a side salad of rocket and balsamic vinegar.
PM: Well I haven't read Ronald's speech so I can't comment.
Humphreys: Later in the same speech he describes you, and I quote, as a 'lying scumbag'.
PM: As I said, I haven't read the speech.
Humphreys: But those are direct quotes from Mr Runt.
PM: I haven't read the whole speech so I don't know the context in which those remarks were made.
Humphreys: 'A mendacious, monkey-brained leader with a meretricious, money-grabbing wife', he says, just to give you a little more context.
PM: Look, I've known Ron for over twenty years and he's someone who expresses himself forcefully. But, you know, hard-working families aren't interested in personalities but in record low interest rates, low inflation and millions of new jobs created.
Humphreys: But isn't it damaging when someone who's known you for twenty years describes you in those terms?
PM: I haven't read the full speech so I can't comment on that.
Humphreys: Thank you, Prime Minister.

6 Comments:

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Clare said...

"you can take the heterosexual out of the woman but you can't take the woman out of the lesbian."

I object. Not only do I not give a rat's arse about my clothing getting dirty and regularly roll around in the dirt with my son with scant regard for creases or stains, but I know plenty of men who get fidgety at the mere sight of a set of sticky fingers.

[sticks tongue out]

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Lost said...

Oh please MJ is FAR from broke. People as rich as he is have far far more than anyone realizes. He has real estate all over the world and rumour has it, alot of money in off shore banks. When you think about it, he also has the greatest collection of Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson memoralibilia anywhere in the world! I don't really think the Mikey will be hurting for cash anytime in the near future.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger cello said...

That was uncanny, Willie. You are obviously TB's speechwriter. It's OK. You can confess to us. We'll still talk to you.

Re Bill Oddie, James informed me yesterday that Springwatch is beating Big B when they are transmitted at the same time. This is like hearing that Mandelson has beaten up Campbell.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

clare, it's that old dilemma: do I do this gag even though it's based on two different stereotypes?
First question: is it funny? Not for me to say, but there was a hint of a smile on my lips as I typed it.
Second question: is it offensive? I didn't think so and there was nobody else I could ask.
Third question: would I make the same kind of joke about a gay man? Yes, and I have done so in the past, in the spirit of poking fun at the minority to which I belong.
I think all those questions shot through my mind in the time it took me to type the sentence and I made a quick 'judgement call'.
I agree that the underlying stereotypes are flawed and am glad you pointed that out. How much you objected on a scale of 1 to 10 is difficult to infer.

lost: yes, I'd forgotten about all his other property and some of the knick-knacks he bought on shopping trips are worth millions of dollars.

cello: I think I'm more likely to have been Ronald Runt's speechwriter. He seems like a sound chap and I may have to feature him again.
There's rather more sex and violence in Springwatch than BB although the brain cell count is similar.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger Clare said...

"How much you objected on a scale of 1 to 10 is difficult to infer."

The tongue-sticking-out bit was designed to convey the answer that qu... which is "not a lot".

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

clare, I thought that was probably the case.
As you know, writing is a constant process of self-editing and I'm still not 100% sure that I got it right in this case. But then I think of Les Dawson's mother-in-law jokes and I wouldn't want to live in a world where those were not possible.

 

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