Friday, February 04, 2005

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Regular readers will be pleased to know that I can now reach my wardrobe without risk of personal injury. On second thoughts, unless they live life as vicariously as I do, they won't give a fuck. Be that as it may, I have been shredding papers like a man possessed. I have filled countless black bin bags with the fruits of my shredding.
But I then decided that this shredded paper would make ideal packing material for fragile items and was on the verge of putting the bags of shreds back into the bedroom or possibly in the attic. This is why people of the 'just in case' mindset are crap at ridding their houses of junk. Anyway, I gave myself a stern talking to and managed to convince myself that the chances of me starting a china mail order business were extremely slim.
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Someone mentioned Viz magazine in my comments yesterday and, not for the first time, I thought that I would have made a good judge. I have never seen a copy of Viz. I have never knowingly seen a film by Mr Walt Disney (who I believe to have been the second most evil man of the 20th century) and I have never seen The Simpsons.
'Defence counsel explained to Mr Justice Lupin that The Simpsons was a popular American television animation.'
Of course, one usually knows of these things at second hand so I am aware that one of the Simpsons is a baker because he keeps saying 'Dough'.
But I am always amazed that some people refuse to accept that I haven't seen these things. "Don't be so silly!" people shout at me, "of course you've seen The Simpsons......but everyone's seen Bambi......".
I don't say to people "Of course you've read Middlemarch!.......of course you know Mahler's 9th", or for that matter, "of course you know who Ryan Seacrest is!"
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Not for the first time I was grateful that I don't have children when I saw a television commercial for KY. Since the commercial gives no hint of the product's purpose, questions would be certain to be asked.
But this isn't your common or garden KY. It's the revolutionary new KY Warming Liquid which gives a gentle warming effect when applied to the skin. So I'm going to save money by selling my electric blanket and smearing myself with it when I go to bed. Probably best not to have nylon sheets though or you might slide off on to the floor like an inebriated trout.

In the interests of research I went to the company website and found the only place it told you to put the stuff was on the palm of your hand. The only conclusion to be drawn from this is that it's designed for that safest of sexual activities, the one that Woody Allen said was best because you didn't have to get dressed up and at least you were having sex with someone you love.
Oh, all right. Be gone, accursed euphemisms. If you're someone who wanks in a cold room, the new KY is the answer to your prayers.

6 Comments:

At 2:45 PM, Blogger JonnyB said...

"Mr Walt Disney? I am aware of his work.."

I'm fairly sure I've never seen a Disney film either. I saw 'Little Britain' for the first time the other day, thus ending the current bout of social pariahdom.

But I did also buy Viz for the first time in many years. Whilst the prevailing wisdom is 'not as funny as it used to be', I found it terribly amusing, and would recommend it.

 
At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shredded paper is a serious fire hazard. Excuse to throw it away?

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

JonnyB, thank you, re. Disney. Now I know I'm not alone I can cancel the counselling.

Anon: if paper shreds are so flammable I could keep them till November and sell them to Bonfire Night events. Then again, for a smoker to keep tons of paper shreds in his house is probably asking for trouble.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger patroclus said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Mr Lupin, you have brightened up my day no end. I shall return...regularly.

 
At 5:44 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Thank you, quinquireme. Like the new KY, we endeavour to give satisfaction.

 
At 5:40 PM, Anonymous Norberto Mallernee said...

Thanks so very much for taking your time to create your blog. Excellent work

 

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