Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Prescriptive Pizza

Goodfella's Pizzas
Co. Kildare

Dear Messrs. Goodfella's

The instructions on your Stonebaked Ciabatta Pizza recommend that I use the cooking period to "prepare a leafy geen salad" and "open a bottle of your favourite red wine, leaving it to breathe".

I'm sure you mean well but I consider it an impertinence for you to instruct me how to use my time in this fashion. May I point out that if I am resorting to what you describe as your "unique and memorable pizza experience" it probably means that there's a double Coronation Street and I still have my daily blog post to write.
Moreover, if I had the time to make a leafy green salad (is there any other kind of green salad?), then I would also have time to prepare something more appealing and nutritious than a frozen pizza to accompany it.

Perhaps your commitment to customer care will allow you to answer the following questions:

Does it have to be a red wine or would it be an insult to the hi-tech machinery of your production line to open a bottle of Chablis?
Is 18 minutes really sufficient to allow a bottle of wine to breathe and chambré?
As it happens, I don't drink wine so perhaps you could oblige me by saying whether Assam or Darjeeling tea would better complement your product?

I am sure you have my best interests at heart in advising me to eat a healthy salad with your pizza. But I should be interested to know whether Little Gem, Iceberg, Lollo Rosso or perhaps some Rocket would make the best foil for your pizza's Dextrose, Maltodextrin, Lecithin, Ascorbic Acid and Mono- and Di-Acetyltartaric Acid Esters of Mono- and Di-Glycerides of Fatty Acids?
And are these acids, like the olive oil you boast of on the packet, extra virgin?

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully

William Lupin

PS: I see you are in County Kildare in the land of my forefathers. Presumably you dropped the 'O' from O'Goodfella's to make it sound more Italian. Did the Irish pizza industry develop in response to the potato famine?


At 12:01 PM, Blogger JayMaster said...

Love it! I look forward to their reply...

At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As you have realised by now Goodfellas pizza is not a family run establishment round the back of a Pizzaria in the west end of the Italian section of olde London town which makes pizza with a love of good food which only 1000 years of culture could produce but a warehouse almost the size of County Kildare in which employees labour over your pizza for all of 2.5 seconds and produce 30,004 stone baked ciabattas per shift.
The only thing Italian these workers have ever seen in their lives are the tomatoes they pump onto the pizza with a gun.
It is touching that you write to chastise them for your recommended use of their product but I fear your suggestion will end up in the skip behind the factory with the rest of them,after they have had a good laugh of course.
They may however,as a reward, send you a voucher for more of their delicious product..a home goal for you I think.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

They will only have seen my comments if they do a web search because I adopted the letter format to take the piss but wouldn't waste my time actually sending such a letter. I've been on the receiving end of such letters in companies and, as you say, you pass them round, have a good laugh and file them in the bin.

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes,that's right,you wouldn't actually want them to SEE the letter...that might result in an improved product..this very British lack of backbone in complaining is the reason the stuff is so crap in the first place..If Goodfellas contacts you,your reply would probably be,No everythings fine ,it's lovely REALLY!
I am enjoying your Blog by the way,a bit of interesting banter,most of the Blogs are so into navel gazing that you can almost taste the belly button fluff...
yours truly, Johnny Foreigner.....

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Actually, I don't have a problem with the product itself, just the bollocks they put on the packet.

When I worked for a foreign company, their complaint was that the British don't complain at the time. They say everything's fine and then go home and write a three page letter to the company. Many other nationalities have a blazing row at the point of sale and then it's over and done with. But at least the British way supports a lot of jobs in Customer Service departments.


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