Monday, May 12, 2008

It Won't Stand Up In Court

A few months back I said there would be another hiatus in this blog because I was moving house. Sadly, my proposed move has gone pear-shaped and become a saga of epic proportions involving duplicity, greed, corruption and illegality. If I don't post quite so frequently at the moment it's because I'm embroiled in this nightmare that has been facilitated by our old friend the capitalist system.
On the other hand, as my friend Cello once said, blogging can be a 'displacement activity'. When you're indulging in clever-dickery at the keyboard, it takes your mind off other problems in your life.

I won't regale you with the details of my aborted property transaction (a collective sigh of relief whistles through cyberspace), not least because matters may end up in the hands of m'learned friends. Anonymous though this blog is, I wouldn't wish it to be cited in a court of law..........

Judge: What is a blog?
Counsel: It's an abbreviation of 'weblog', Your Honour. It's a form of online diary popular with the younger generation.
Judge: Your client looks a bit long in the tooth for such frippery.
Counsel: My client is young at heart and has a good sense of humour.
Judge: This is a court of law, Mr Barraclough, not a dating agency.
Counsel: You started it, Your Honour.
Judge: Mr Barraclough! I expect better from counsel of your experience. This blog which is an abbreviation of weblog which is a form of online diary.......does it contain reference to matters that are before this court?
Counsel: Obliquely, Your Honour. Tangentially. And, most importantly, anonymously. The defendant's real name was not given.
Judge: But the defendant was referred to?
Counsel: Yes. As a thieving bastard.
Judge: Anything else?
Counsel: Yes. With apologies to Your Honour and to the court, he is variously described as a duplicitous little shitbag, a greedy, unprincipled wide-boy and a cunting little capitalist crook.
Judge: Disgraceful! There is no such adjective as 'cunting'.
Counsel: My client, in our pre-trial conversations, cited a colloquial reference from 1542. It is a back-formation from the noun with which Your Honour will be familiar.
Judge: It is not for you to presume with which nouns and their referents I am familiar. And does this sprog or blog or whatever it is called enjoy a wide circulation?
Counsel: A blog does not circulate, Your Honour. It is on the World Wide Web and accessible through an internet connection.
Judge: But does anybody read it?
Counsel: I believe it has a modest readership and it carries an endorsement from a columnist on The Guardian newspaper.
Judge: Did you say The Guardian, Mr Barraclough?
Counsel: I did, Your Honour.
Judge: The Guardian! I sentence your client to a minimum term of eight years.
Counsel: With respect, Your Honour, my client is the plaintiff in this case, not the defendant.
Judge: Whatever. Take him down!


At 2:58 PM, Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Most risible. (Although I hope things get better for you).
Thank you for referring to me as "modest". I am blushing.

At 6:00 PM, Blogger Geoff said...

Speaking as a recent jury member, a bit of "cunting" in court wouldn't go amiss.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

vicus: don't think I would ever describe a blogger as 'modest', blogging being based on the belief that other people give a fuck about your opinions.

geoff: hope you made the Tony Hancock speech: "Habeas Corpus....did she die in vain?"

At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Jon Blake said...

Wasn't it Magna Carta? Sounding more like a woman's name...

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

jon: Apologies. That was what some people call a "senior moment". I know the quote perfectly well.

If I ever write: "A quart? That's very nearly a legful!" I shall retire from blogging completely.
In fact, probably shoot myself.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger cello said...

Damn and blast on the house thing. FYI 'cunting' has been my top adjective for the last couple of months, but has recently been overtaken by 'fecking', after bingeing on Father Ted with 13 year old son.

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

cello: don't know where I first got that word from but years ago in my local I called a youth a "cunting little bastard" (in an affectionate way). He and his mates liked it so much that thereafter they always made me say it and fell about laughing. I suppose I'd unwittingly invented a catchphrase.

I also binge on Father Ted every so often. I particularly love the Craggy Island Fun Fair, especially The Ladder, which is just a ladder against a wall!


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