It Won't Stand Up In Court
A few months back I said there would be another hiatus in this blog because I was moving house. Sadly, my proposed move has gone pear-shaped and become a saga of epic proportions involving duplicity, greed, corruption and illegality. If I don't post quite so frequently at the moment it's because I'm embroiled in this nightmare that has been facilitated by our old friend the capitalist system.
On the other hand, as my friend Cello once said, blogging can be a 'displacement activity'. When you're indulging in clever-dickery at the keyboard, it takes your mind off other problems in your life.
I won't regale you with the details of my aborted property transaction (a collective sigh of relief whistles through cyberspace), not least because matters may end up in the hands of m'learned friends. Anonymous though this blog is, I wouldn't wish it to be cited in a court of law..........
Judge: What is a blog?
Counsel: It's an abbreviation of 'weblog', Your Honour. It's a form of online diary popular with the younger generation.
Judge: Your client looks a bit long in the tooth for such frippery.
Counsel: My client is young at heart and has a good sense of humour.
Judge: This is a court of law, Mr Barraclough, not a dating agency.
Counsel: You started it, Your Honour.
Judge: Mr Barraclough! I expect better from counsel of your experience. This blog which is an abbreviation of weblog which is a form of online diary.......does it contain reference to matters that are before this court?
Counsel: Obliquely, Your Honour. Tangentially. And, most importantly, anonymously. The defendant's real name was not given.
Judge: But the defendant was referred to?
Counsel: Yes. As a thieving bastard.
Judge: Anything else?
Counsel: Yes. With apologies to Your Honour and to the court, he is variously described as a duplicitous little shitbag, a greedy, unprincipled wide-boy and a cunting little capitalist crook.
Judge: Disgraceful! There is no such adjective as 'cunting'.
Counsel: My client, in our pre-trial conversations, cited a colloquial reference from 1542. It is a back-formation from the noun with which Your Honour will be familiar.
Judge: It is not for you to presume with which nouns and their referents I am familiar. And does this sprog or blog or whatever it is called enjoy a wide circulation?
Counsel: A blog does not circulate, Your Honour. It is on the World Wide Web and accessible through an internet connection.
Judge: But does anybody read it?
Counsel: I believe it has a modest readership and it carries an endorsement from a columnist on The Guardian newspaper.
Judge: Did you say The Guardian, Mr Barraclough?
Counsel: I did, Your Honour.
Judge: The Guardian! I sentence your client to a minimum term of eight years.
Counsel: With respect, Your Honour, my client is the plaintiff in this case, not the defendant.
Judge: Whatever. Take him down!