I'm lying immobilised with a bright light shining in my eyes. I struggle repeatedly to open my eyes but my eyelids won't move.
I try to say 'Take me to your leader' or 'Planet Earth's a shithole but all things considered I'd rather stay there' but no words come out.
Finally the nightmare is over and I stagger into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
I haven't had this unpleasant experience for a long time but I was reminded of it by a study undertaken by Goldsmith's College in London which showed that most reports of alien abductions can be explained by a sleep disorder. More specifically, sleep paralysis.
When we sleep our muscles are immobilised to stop us acting out our dreams and hurting ourselves. But sometimes it is possible to wake up or half wake up without this paralysis being switched off for several minutes.
I used to experience this when I slept in the day in a brightly lit room. I never actually thought that I was lying in a flying saucer being prodded by alien beings. But it was a very terrifying experience nonetheless.
Interestingly, the new study has found that most of the people who experienced sleep paralysis as alien abduction already had a belief in the paranormal.
The researchers also venture the opinion that it makes some people feel special to think that aliens have travelled billions of light years across interstellar space just for them.
Fortunately, it seems to have been a temporary aberration in my case and I haven't experienced it for a couple of years.
I haven't awoken to find any other odd-looking, nameless being poking me for even longer. But that's another story.
It seems I may have misjudged the 'lads' mag' Zoo.
They were criticised by the Advertising Standards Authority for running a competition in which readers could win their girlfriend a new pair of breasts. Photographs of eight pairs of breasts had the caption "What type of tits do you want for your girlfriend?"
In its defence, Zoo magazine said that the competition was "intended to be a parody of the view that men objectified women and of society's obsession with cosmetic appearance".
I hadn't realised that Zoo and its ilk were actually biting social satires from a feminist perspective.
And if they're not, then at least Zoo deserves the 2005 award for sheer brass neck.
This morning's Radio Four News led with the Prince of Wales' views on climate change. In a nutshell these were:
a) It really is appalling.
b) Something must be done about it.
Those who pay attention to such things will notice that this is remarkably similar to Charlie's views on a wide range of subjects.
To be fair to Charles (if I must), much of what he said about farming and the environment was perfectly sensible. The exclusive interview given to the Today programme would have made an interesting short feature on Farming Today.
But the lead news story on the network?
Give us a break.
Mini-Adwatch: with the threat of Bird Flu meaning all birds will be viewed as harbingers of death, Hovis might like to revisit the idea of using talking ducks to extol the health benefits of their bread.
I see that Mike at Troubled Diva is posting his mother's memoirs in a blog.
Also, to give you a change from my own voice, I will shortly post here my father's account of his first trip to sea in the 1920s.
There's no doubt that the internet could be an invaluable resource for social historians in the future if people can be persuaded to post their memories or get their children to do it for them. Blogs will be an important part of that resource.