Monday Morning Goods
I was startled to hear my local supermarket manager ask one of the checkout girls to 'see if Craig has morning wood.' It seemed an improper request to make of a young girl and I nearly offered to go and ascertain this information myself.
Fortunately, I had misheard.
The instruction was to ' see if Craig has morning goods'.
'Morning Goods' is the term that supermarkets use for bread and rolls and such like. I always find it an odd phrase. I can't see that either the purchase or consumption of these products is linked to a particular time of day.
I'm quite partial to a roll in the early evening and you never know at what time of day or night a sudden craving for toast and Marmite will strike. Similarly, there are people who never check their watches if given the opportunity to munch on a muffin.
And there's another thing: when did the traditional English muffin suddenly transform itself into an over-sized fairy cake? Didn't muffins belong to the same species as crumpets? You held them on a toasting fork over an open fire and then covered them with butter.....'I say, these are damned fine muffins, Cameron, the finest I've ever eaten at Eton. Send your fag out for some more and if the little oik's not back before Evensong we'll give him a sound thrashing.'
The Co-op, purveyors of Morning Goods to Lupin Towers, also operate a funeral service. So this must make them the only company in Britain to sell both Morning Goods and Mourning Goods.