Friday, September 02, 2005

Shorts, Serendipity and Sartorial Anxiety

All through the long hot summer I've been searching for the single pair of shorts that I own but without success.
This week my PC was showing Registry errors.
In the strange world of synchronicity and serendipity that we inhabit, these two facts are not unrelated.

I went searching through piles of junk in the bedroom for a DVD that contained a free Registry Cleaner program. I didn't find it. But I picked up what appeared to be a screwed up black bin bag and it turned out to be my little black shorts.
Actually, they are made of a material not dissimilar to that of a bin bag.
I didn't buy them at M & S or even Millets. I went to a seedy part of town and to a shop that was a cheaper version of Millets. It sold a range of camping and leisure accessories - and possibly camp leisure accessories - at prices ending in .99 but never exceeding a fiver.
I think I did this in case I never wore them or wore them once in the village street and frightened the horses.

In practice, I strongly deprecate the current trend to display acres of cellulite at the first glimpse of sunshine but I felt that it might be beneficial to expose my hairy thighs to nature's vitamin D in the privacy of my own garden.
Anyway, they are now washed and fabric conditioned (Spring Fresh, since you ask) and hanging on the line.

But a cloud no bigger than a man's hand is casting a shadow over my joy at finding my shorts. Looking at them pegged on the line they look somewhat exiguous in nature.
Well, downright skimpy if I'm to be blunt. Rather like footballers' shorts circa 1970.
I wouldn't want any embarrassing mishaps if someone dropped in unexpectedly for Earl Grey on the terrace. And I dropped out, as it were.
You may recall the episode of I'm Alan Partridge where he was wearing shorts in the Travel Lodge whilst talking to his PA and she suddenly exclaimed "Alan, you've popped out!" He explained that the lining had perished and that it was not a cry for help. When the necessary adjustments had been made he assured her that 'the soldiers were back in the barracks.'
So I must inspect the mesh lining carefully for signs of synthetic fibre fatigue before I wear them.

If I seem unduly worried about the soldiers going AWOL from the barracks, it's because I recently showed a lady round my garden and only afterwards discovered my flies were undone. I thought she had seemed a bit abstracted when I was talking about the Lupins.
On the other hand, she was the kind of lady who would have said "There's egg on your face" or "You're flying low" or some similarly absurd euphemism that I wouldn't have understood.

The problem of living alone is that there's nobody to tell you your flies are undone and nobody to ask, vis a vis the shorts, "Does my bum look big in these?"
And if you think I'm going to upload a picture to ask your opinions on the matter, think again, dear readers.
In your dreams.
No, that should probably be 'in your nightmares.'


At 10:56 AM, Blogger Betty said...

The old style of football shorts are a constant (well, occasional) source of mirth in our house. Sadly, the wearing of ridiculous micro shorts now seems to be confined to Aussie Rules football.

Perhaps you should get down to the cheaper version of Millets to purchase some Don Estelle type knee length shorts (a summer/autumn fashion crossover, apparently) to keep dignity and everything else intact.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Geoff said...

The problem with my shorts is that my wallet and keys are too bulky to fit in the pockets. I have to walk around town carrying either an HMV bag or a bloody great rucksack.

£5.99 Matalan, if I remember correctly. Horrible check pattern.
Hat from Millets. Horrible sweat stain pattern.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger mike said...

So, to recap... you own a teeny-tiny pair of black plastic shorts, bought from a "seedy" part of town?

Yeah, you're probably right not to go shopping in them...

At 12:20 PM, Anonymous Alan said...

My favourites is the old Church of England standby:

"You have left undone those things which ought to be done".

At 7:25 PM, Blogger portuguesa nova said...

That's the problem with living alone and with living with straight men.

At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Graham said...

Tut Tut Matron,talking about Camp Accessories,things popping out do I detect a touch of the Carry On's here,or I'm i the only one with an overactive smutty imagination?

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Thanks for your entertaining comments.
I've put an update on this important matter on today's post.


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