What Would Alice Say?
They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace all right.
Today's Sun front page was 'PALACE GUARD IN VICE SHAME He sneaks in two hookers'.
They also use the classic Sun headline: WHORES GUARDS PARADE.
This country is definitely going to the dogs. What happened to the traditional quickie with a rent boy behind the bushes in St James Park? That's almost one of the centuries-old conventions of our constitution. The scene is probably embroidered in a corner of the Bayeux Tapestry.
And think what a shock it will be for the royal family if heterosexuality rears its ugly head below stairs.
There may not be many black faces in the bowels of Buck House but, if inside sources are to be believed, the royals have long been committed to gay employment rights.
Prince Philip once discovered two footmen sharing a bath. They told him it was to save water. He presumably said the royal equivalent of 'Yeah, right!'
Then there's the probably apocryphal story of the Queen Mother ringing repeatedly for a drink but without success and eventually saying: "I don't know what you young queens are doing down there, but there's an old queen up here dying of thirst."
The Guards officer who, according to The Sun, 'romped with two hookers' at his Buckingham Palace barracks is - oh, the shame of it - a cousin of the Queen.
He's also a descendant of the Prime Minister Arthur Balfour. I'm fairly certain it was Arthur Balfour who was nearly arrested for a sexual offence. A member of the public had seen many middle aged men going in and out of a house near Leicester Square and told police they thought it was a brothel. The police raided the premises and asked the first man they apprehended his name and occupation. He replied "Arthur Balfour, Prime Minister." It turned out that the house was an exclusive private dining club.
It seems that young Lieutenant Balfour is now being re-educated in the finest traditions of the Guards. The Sun tells us that he's 'at the centre of an Army probe.'
That'll teach him to get inside the wrong kind of beaver.