Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Brief Wednesday Witterings

Michael Howard gives his thoughts in The Guardian on the 'British Dream' and how we can live harmoniously in this diverse nation of ours.
Bit rich coming from the leader of a party that campaigned on the nasty, nudge-nudge-wink-wink slogan 'Are you thinking what we're thinking?'.
Happily, they got the resounding answer 'No!'

One of his key components of British identity is the monarchy.
Would that be the monarchy that is prohibited by law from being Catholic?
Since the monarch is head of the Church of England, presumably they couldn't be Muslim or Jewish or, for that matter, a militant atheist.
And the same monarchy where males take precedence over females in the succession?
The one where status is conferred by birth?

That's a British Dream with something of the night about it all right.


From an article in Sunday's Observer:
"Lennon and The Beatles didn't just change pop........they changed everything."

Do you suppose the people who write such bollocks actually believe it?
And if they do, why haven't they been sectioned under the Mental Health Act?

Admittedly, that would mean someone like Paul Gambaccini would not have been free to walk the streets for many years and I suppose the old fruitcake isn't actually a danger to himself or others. But plenty of people are incarcerated for nothing more than constantly spouting gibberish.

A woman called Lucy Mangan is allowed to tiptoe in the sacred footsteps of Nancy Banks-Smith in today's Guardian TV review.
She reviews the BBC1 series 'Bunking Off' and writes "This week's programme concentrated on truants."
The entire series was about truants.
The clue, Lucy, was in the title: 'Bunking Off'.
A slang term for playing truant.
Just as well she became a journalist rather than joining the police.

I've just been sniffing bleach.
Well, I told you I might be too busy to blog this week
But I was simply trying to re-create the experience of Captain Oates who said "I might be gone some time" before striding out into the blizzard.

You see, I was genuinely puzzled.
I usually buy lemon bleach. Or, if you want to be pedantic, 'Citrus Fresh'.
But this week, feeling in need of a lifestyle change and having ruled out all the more dramatic options on practical grounds, I bought some bleach called 'Arctic Storm'.
And then, as I was killing 99% of known germs, a large question mark seemed to rise from the toilet bowl like ectoplasm from the gaping mouth of a medium.

Because when you buy lemon or orange you know what fragrance you're getting.
If you buy the new Pink Domestos you just get funny looks at the checkout.
But how many of us have ever been within sniffing distance of an Arctic Storm?
If you had, would you still have a functioning sense of smell at -30C?
And what does an Arctic Storm smell like, if it smells of anything at all?

That's why I was sniffing the bleach bottle just now. And whilst my sense of smell has been blunted by years of smoking, I'm fairly certain it smelt only of bleach.
Then again, the keyboard is blurred and the monitor has a list to starboard, which could be either the early stages of hypothermia or just the effects of sniffing cleaning products.
Either way, I'm going to lie down before total white-out.


At 4:19 PM, Blogger Wyndham said...

That Arctic Storm is good stuff - since I've used it not once have I found a Polar Bear or a Norwegian under my toilet-seat.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger zaphod said...

Mrs Zaphod swears by that Arctic Storm bleach. I however try to stay away from her domestic areas. I have a comfy shed that I keep tidy.

At 10:15 PM, Blogger portuguesa nova said...

I am a bleach freak. I would clean everything with bleach if I could. I am really a very messy person, but on the rare occasion that I do actually clean, I bleach every open surface of the entire house. It probably does more harm than good, but there's something deeply reassuring about that smell...artic, citrus, doesn't matter.

I wish smoking dulled my sense of sound as much as my sense of taste and smell. It would make going to work every day so much less horrible.

At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Alan said...

I've not actually been in an Arctic Storm, but have been in a whiteout blizzard above 6000m at about 25 below zero and to the best of my recollection it didn't smell of bleach (although admittedly it may have and the smell was just blocked by frozen snot)

At 4:27 PM, Blogger Wyndham said...

Crikey, Alan, I doubt any bacteria would have stood a chance anyway!

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Betty said...

Exposure to such cold conditions would be awful, with all those side effects - bits freezing up and having to be amputated, burns etc. So I won't be using the Arctic Storm bleach. I've already had enough problems with Summer Breeze bleach - I ended up with hayfever and heat rash ...

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Urban Chick said...

going to have to buy me some arctic storm tomorrow - sounds marvellous

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Belated thanks for all your comments.

Alan, from what little I know of you, I assume you were doing that for pleasure. Myself, I'd rather sniff bleach. But whatever turns you on.

zaphod, I have a very untidy shed so full of clutter I can't get into it. But I have nobody to escape from except myself.

pn, I don't know if it's age but I'm becoming increasingly stressed by the amount of noise today. For most of human history people lived in near silence and I don't think we've adapted to it yet.


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