Some Saturday Silliness
The AOL portal is the closest I get to the tabloid style of writing and usually I don't read it. But my eye was caught by a Wizard Name Generator, linked to promotion for the new Harry Potter book.
The Wizard name it generated for me was Salvador Sparkle. I was really quite pleased with this. Maybe it was the association with Monsieur Dali, whose posters decorated many a bedsitter in my youth. If I ever start visiting chat rooms again, that's the name I shall use. Donkeydick always seemed rather in your face and a touch immodest, which is probably why I never used it.
I did once go into a chat room using the name Heat Seeking Missile, purely for the pleasure of seeing the caption come up 'Heat Seeking Missile has entered the room.' Nobody spoke to me. They were probably all taking cover until the all-clear of 'Heat Seeking Missile has left the room' appeared on the screen.
I really can be very childish.
Sometimes I think I'm living my life backwards. Give it a few years and I'll be ringing people's doorbells and running away. Yesterday I caught myself looking longingly at a children's Water Bomb Kit that was by the checkout in the supermarket. I wonder if the kit tells you how many water bombs you can fire before you get an Anti-Social Behaviour Order?
Well it's got to be better than that pathetic, milksop stuff in 'the nation's favourite poem': when I'm old I shall wear purple......go out in my slippers in the rain.
Yeah right, Grandma. Wearing purple? Wearing slippers in the rain? That is so shocking. Not.
Me, I'm going to sit in the tree outside the library and fire water bombs at the Tory Chairman of the Parish Council and at that woman who put a note through my letterbox asking me not to park my car outside her house, especially as I never cleaned its windows.
And I'm going to collect used condoms from the layby by the woods and put them through the door of that woman who told me she never gives to AIDS charities because they're all bloody queers.
And I'm going to join the Silver Threads Club, go on their Mystery Tour, get pissed, hijack the coach's PA system and read extracts from the Vagina Monologues and the Derek and Clive dialogues.
And I'm going to take out a subscription to Gay News in the name and address of the Chairman of the local Evangelical Alliance.
And I'm going to enter a float in the Village Carnival that re-creates the orgy scene in Derek Jarman's film Jubilee.
Then again, it's all a bit too much like hard work. So I might just wear beige cardigans with gravy stains down the front and take my library books back late and run away without paying the fine.