You Have Been Warned

Come the revolution, Comrades, you will have the opportunity to nominate for the firing squad people guilty of non-political crimes and misdemeanours which, although small in themselves, have made a disproportionate contribution to the irritations of modern life.

The Middle England Revolutionary Democrats Executive (MERDE) is currently considering the following nominations. Further submissions are welcome. Closing date is 31st January, 2084.

People who constantly use their fingers to put quotation marks round spoken words or phrases.

People who start letters to the newspaper: 'Am I alone in thinking........' (Yes, you are, and if not, you fucking should be).

People who repeat the punch line of a joke three times. (I'm not deaf and repeating it won't make it funny).

Women whose gardening/plumbing/decorating is done by a wonderful 'little man', even if he's six foot four.

Men who use purses. (And poke around in them with their index finger as though they're fingering a ferret).

Television announcers who pretend to be stifling uncontrollable laughter when introducing a comedy programme.

People who think that to walk in the English countryside you have to dress as though for an assault on Everest.

People who, when describing a phone call, twist their fingers into a representation of a phone. ( I know what a phone looks like, wanker. And I've never seen one that looked like an arthritic Praying Mantis).

To be continued