Does God Watch The X Factor?

It's a disturbing thought. You thought that your telephone votes in this talent show were what counted, when all the time the great impressario in the sky was pulling the strings.
I base this on a group called Voices With Soul, who repeatedly told us that God had put them in the competition. When they were kicked out this week they told us that God had removed them in order to take them to a 'higher level'. Whether this meant topping the bill at the Royal Variety Show or assumption into heaven on a fluffy cloud was never made clear.
This group refused to sing the line 'Voulez vous coucher avec moi' because they were Christians and substituted the word 'chanter'. Interestingly, they were happy to go and sing at G.A.Y., London's biggest gay club, to further their careers.
For a lot of Christians, God is their flexible friend.

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A report, partly funded by the Government, has come up with some strategies for children to avoid bullying.

"Laughing at the bully will escalate the trouble, not diffuse it" it says. Well, there's a surprise! What you must do is make a joke at your own expense. So if the bully says 'why are you so fat?' you reply with all the rapier wit of a teenage Dorothy Parker: ' I've no idea. I limit myself to six bars of chocolate a day maximum!' Oh, my aching sides! I'm laughing so much I'm not sure if I can continue typing this post.
Another tactic suggested is to change the subject. So when the bully says 'why are you so fat?' you reply 'Where did you get those great shoes?' Now if you're a boy and you suddenly evince a keen interest in the bully's footwear and clothes, it's a fair bet that the last thing you'll hear before you lose consciousness is 'Fuck off, gay boy."
It all makes hilarious reading but it's not so funny that the author of this nonsense is making a good living from it, partly funded from our taxes.