Saturday, December 04, 2004

ThIs bLOg iS SO LikE UNtyPicAl

u see the typical blog is written by a teenage girl who uses it twice a month to update friends and classmates about whats going on in her life........ and how tracy said that darren really fancies her but oh my god he's like just a little kid and have u seen that zit on his nose its SO GROSS an anyway theres a boy in year 10 who keeps looking at me and hes really FIT i know that samantha said he called me a minger but shes just a sad cow who hangs around outside the spar shop with all them spotty chavs.........[that's enough teenage girl impresssions -Ed.]......and it will be written almost entirely in lower case with a few CAPS for emphasis with slang spellings but not quite as informal as instant messaging.

This is just one of the findings of a survey of blogs by Perseus Development Corporation which shows that, for the moment, this blog is untypical in many other ways. Of the over 4 million blogs at the time of the survey, active blogs were updated on average once a fortnight. Less than 50,000 were updated daily. This will make me feel better when I slow down a bit. I'm only posting daily because I fear that if I do it less often it will be the thin end of the wedge and this will join the 2.72 million blogs that have been abandoned.

The other startling finding is that 92% of blogs are by people under 30. Only 18,500 of the 4 million were by people in their fifties. So that's yet another sodding minority I belong to. But because I hate pigeonholing and categorisation I don't like to think of this as a fifty-plus blog and I'm not sure why I proclaimed the fact in my profile. It's like when young people have letters in the newspaper and put: (aged 14). Are people supposed to think: clever old bugger, he's over 50 and he can use a computer and even write a blog? Fuck off.
Similarly, I wouldn't want this to be regarded as a gay blog. It occasionally deals with gay issues but that's not its defining characteristic - unless you're a teenage blogger who uses 'gay' to mean 'boring' and I hope it's not that either.

The other finding is the tiny audiences that most blogs have, often no more than two dozen readers. The survey calls them 'nanoaudiences'. This means that for the first time in the history of mass communication a medium has been invented that may, just may, have a smaller audience than Hospital Radio.
So now, at just coming up to 11.20, for Peter in Leith who's being treated for joint pains, this is Dexy's Midnight Runners, with best wishes from all your friends in the Port...........


Father Donnelly, the Catholic priest, called round and was soon making inroads into my Glenlivet.
"Don't see much of Carlo at mass, these days", he said, adding that the Phillipines was a predominantly Catholic country. Why don't you fuck off there then, I thought, and save me a fortune on my drinks bill. I explained that Carlo always cleaned the windows on Sunday mornings and the silver on Sunday evenings, adding that cleanliness was next to godliness. This wasn't true but I'd already lied to the vicar so my mendacity had a truly ecumenical quality.
"I'm a little worried at the company he's keeping", said the priest, as if it were any of his business. He then told me that two of the nuns who had travelled to Blackpool in the period luxury of Ron Higgs' coach had been mooned at by Lee while they were on the Big Dipper.
"Ah, the Pepsi Max Big One", I said.
"If you say so", said Father Donnelly.
"Are they sure it was Lee? After all, if he was mooning then, by definition, he had his back to them and they wouldn't have seen his face."
"God knows, they would have preferred to see his face."
"But", I persisted, "these rides travel downhill at 80 miles per hour. A blur of buttock glimpsed in the distance is hardly conclusive proof. And when you're going down on a Big One all your concentration is on keeping your mouth closed and not being sick." (I've always thought that the Diplomatic Service's gain was the Bar's loss in my case).
"If you say so", Father Donnelly said again. "It's not an experience readily available in rural Ireland. But they were ascending slowly at the time and he also did - how shall I put this - a front moon."
"A front moon? There's no such thing, Father. Or do you mean he flashed? No, I don't think even Lee.......he probably just turned round as he was adjusting his clothing."
"Your inclination to see the best in people does you credit, Mr Lupin, but look at Lee's family."
"I know", I said, "his brother's a twocker."
"He is that", said Father Donnelly, mis-hearing me, "and the little focker steals people's cars. You have to accept that, where Carlo is concerned, you are in loco parentis."
"I thought the church had abandoned Latin", I said. This was a cheap shot but I was on a roll. "I am not my brother's keeper, Father, so, ergo and a fortiori - that's Latin by the way - I am not my houseboy's keeper either!"
"So you'll sit back and watch him go to hell in a handcart?"
"No, Father. My boy has more style than that. I think you'll find it's a BMW."
When we come back: Lee springs a surprise


At 7:34 PM, Blogger Adam said...

Please could you play somthing by the Eurythmics for everyone in the nanoaudience..?

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Certainly, nanoreader. Anything would be better than Dexy's Midnight Runners.


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