Thursday, November 25, 2004

Smile And The World Wants To Hit You

Anyone who has had a dog will know that they will greet most other dogs on the street with a friendly wag of the tail. But some dogs provoke uncontrollable snarling and barking for no apparent reason.
Although we don't like to admit it, humans are much the same. We take irrational dislikes to some people on sight. This doesn't usually matter too much unless you're meeting them after replying to a lonely hearts ad. It must be a bit of a bummer to find that the person you thought was your soulmate induces homicidal rage just because of the way they wrinkle their nose or pronounce certain words or because their pheromones cause a short-circuit in your brain.
This came to mind because Griff Rhys Jones has just returned to our television screens. I'm sure he's a very nice chap who loves his mother and is kind to animals but I have this inexplicable urge to rip his head off.
You can multiply these feelings by 100 when it comes to Alan Davies. But in this I am not alone. It seems that half the men in the country would like to beat him to a pulp while half the women would like to go to bed with him. Not so long ago he was in a bar in London when a man came up and punched him in the face, for no other reason than for being Alan Davies. A lot of us felt we'd like to buy that man a drink. I used to think it was because of his hair. Perhaps he did too because he had it cut short and still we hate him.
This is a terrible burden to carry through life, worse than belonging to a recognised, stigmatised minority. There are no Alan Davies support groups or helplines. You can't 'come out' to your family as Alan Davies with lots of hugs and kissing and them saying "we can't pretend we're happy that you're Alan Davies but you're still our son and we still love you." On the other hand, he's had a successful career despite this and smiled in the face of adversity. Ah, maybe that's it. That smile. It shouts 'hit me' at every alpha male, and quite a few beta and zeta ones too.
Ditto Marty Pellow of Wet, Wet, Wet. And don't get me started on Jools Holland. As someone once said, he has the sickly smile of a man who has knocked on your door to tell you he's just run over your dog.
Which is almost where we began. Woof, woof.

Note: there are no accompanying pictures to this piece because the Art Editor tore them up and stamped on them.


In all the articles about the imminent demise of the video cassette recorder, I haven't yet seen anyone mention that its development 25 years ago owed much to the porn industry. The VCR provided a way for people to watch pornographic films in the privacy of their own homes and led to a huge surge in profits for the porn industry. Many other technological innovations have been driven by the porn industry, such as streaming video on the internet.
So this raises an interesting moral question for anyone who disapproves of pornography. It's an old question in moral philosophy. Can evil deeds produce good outcomes?
This was the subject of Dennis Potter's play 'Brimstone and Treacle' (originally banned) in which a brain-damaged girl regains her faculties after being raped. And if good can come from evil, does this undermine a simplistic Manichean view of morality?

When I returned from my sister's, I found Carlo sitting in the kitchen sobbing, surrounded by the detritus of uneaten and congealing Kare-kare. The garage boy had not been complimentary about Carlo's native cuisine. His exact words, when I could get them out of Carlo, had been: "Are you trying to poison me, you fucking wanker? Why didn't you order a pizza?"
For once, I had some slight sympathy with Lee, if not his manners, since this dish includes tripe and a peanut sauce. In an attempt to calm him, I told Carlo that Lee might have a nut allergy but he didn't understand.
"Nuts!" he screamed, "he said you're fucking nuts."
"He said what?" I shouted.
"He said you're a batty man."
"I'm not batty, just mildly eccentric", I replied.
The reggae music was still thumping from the West Turret but with any luck we've seen the last of Swarfega Boy.
In tomorrow's double episode: Carlo and I watch football plus Have we really seen the last of Lee?


At 9:43 AM, Blogger Adam said...

I have a secret crush on Alan Davies. Is there a support group for that?

Marty Pellow did it for me when I was a schoolboy but I feel disgusted at myself now...

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Well it's no longer a secret now, is it? And that's the first step on the road to recovery. Now you have to find a good therapist.
Saw Marty on TV recently and the 'hit me' factor has gone because he's stopped smiling when he sings.
My schoolboy crush was on one of The Hollies but I'm not prepared to say which one.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger peter said...

Him with the enormous face and jug ears. Looks like a tellytubby. Agree about the porn. Glory days!

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Yeah, that was a good video. But I thought it was called 'Gloryhole Days'.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger peter said...

It's Martin Clunes I was referring to. Watched Alan Davies in a whole new light last night after your piece.

At 9:58 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Don't mind Martin Clunes too much but his old comedy partner, Neil Morrissey, would be a finalist in the 'Hit Me Factor'.
Next time you comment could you reassure me that my margins round the pics are still OK? They're not on my own PC. I've lived all my life on the margins and now this!

At 9:09 PM, Blogger peter said...

Margins last OK on Spawn of the Devil. I felt it rude to mention further. Maybe because that's the last pic you followed my instructions on. :)

(Oh, I know - you're probably using style sheets or somesuch similar. They truly are lucifer's spawn.)

At 6:46 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Many thanks, Peter. I HAD followed your instructions but your information has enabled me to identify the problem and correct it. Wish now I hadn't used Blogger which is a pain.
Thanks for the link on your site. My viewing figures have increased and some agreeable people have passed this way. I owe you a pint of heavy.

At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enormous face, jug ears, looks like a tellytubby – I thought Peter was referring to our beloved Education Secretary, Charles Clarke.


At 10:14 PM, Blogger peter said...

Charles Clarke is actually the father of Martin Clunes, as a recent DNA test has verified. He grossly abused his postion as Education Secretary to get "his boy" into Drama School, but clearly it was all in vain. Other offspring from "Marky Clarke" are the Princes Charles and Harry, the children's character Big Ears, and the Fylingdales Early Warning System. (Now redundant due to lack of cold war, although they're retuning it to catch snippets of the Holy Q'ran on the transatlantic navigation frequencies.) Kirk to Enterprise.

At 7:29 AM, Blogger Willie Lupin said...

Alan Partridge once referred to "big-eared boys" as evidence of inbreeding in rural Norfolk. And guess what, Charles Clarke is a Norfolk MP.

At 2:16 AM, Anonymous Mary said...

I have a huge crush on Alan Davies, and your post still made me laugh out loud. Except for the hitting him in the face part, thats not nice. But points to you for being funny and not offensive. I don't understand how anyone could hate him, but then I'm a woman and, as you said, would dearly like to shag him silly.


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