Those Lazy, Crazy, Frog-Watering Days of Summer
As though I don't have enough to do, watering my many patio pots, I now have to water the frog who lives in my garden.
On a hot day he likes nothing better than to stand and enjoy a cold shower from the watering can.
I've named him George, after Britain's Got Talent winner George Sampson*, because he likes dancing in the rain. Well, hopping anyway.
But physically, he looks more like the bastard child of Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden.
I'm not sure whether George is fearless or stupid. To take close-up photos like the one above, the camera was only inches from his face but he was happy to pose for them. Perhaps he likes being papped.
But how does he know I'm not a predator? A Frenchman, for example, looking for a free hors d'oeuvre.
I last mentioned seeing him almost three years ago to the day and thought he might have croaked it. Of course, this may not be the same frog although they can live for up to fifteen years, especially when a kindly landlord provides them with en-suite shower facilities.
Maybe his reappearance is related to the fact that 2008 has been designated The Year of The Frog.
He's just lucky he didn't encounter the 12 year old Willie Lupin, for he would have joined the countless amphibians, reptiles and fish who perished in tanks in my bedroom. It may have been this unintended animal genocide that led me to reconsider my ambition to become a naturalist.
I've remarked before that because radio is often the background to noisy daily chores, it's easy to mis-hear things.
The other day I was startled by the statement that fewer men are wearing tights to work. I had no idea that this fetish had ever been so common. Pressing my ear to my tranny, I found that 'ties' were the garment referred to.
Then I heard that the Tory Chief Whip in the European Parliament, one Ben Dover, had resigned.
Now 'Ben Dover' is a well-known British pornographer (although I'm unfamiliar with his ouevre). Surely this was taking Cameron's liberal Conservatism a little too far.
And making him Chief Whip was piling innendo on top of innuendo.
But it turned out that the man in question was called 'Den Dover', although that sounds equally like a made-up name.
Finally, I thought I heard that last night's Euro 2008 football match was being played in a stadium called Wankdorf.
Oh, hang on.
It really was at a stadium called Wankdorf.
And so we had the glorious aptness of commentators Clive Tyldesley and David Pleat ensconced in a building called 'Wankdorf''.
Maybe next week they'll be at the 'Twatsgrund'. We can but hope.
*Someone's done a terrific video mix on YouTube of George Sampson and Gene Kelly dancing together.
Not having watched the Gene Kelly version for a long time, I was astonished to find that George had incorporated some of the same moves into his up-dated version.
Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaOHPPOrvvA